Important Lists

From McSweeneys.Net...

IF POETS NAMED BREAKFAST CEREALS.
BY JOSH MICHTOM

Orgasmic Clusters of Searing Pain

Bran and Plump Raisins, Pregnant With Earthy Promise

Opalescent Flakes of Lonely Night

The Sharpness of a Breath of Winter Air (with real strawberries)

THE SETTINGS THAT WOULD BE ON A BLENDER TODAY IF THE BLENDER HAD BEEN INVENTED, SAY, 100 YEARS BEFORE ITS ACTUAL INVENTION DATE OF 1922.
BY STEVE SCHNEIDER

Cleave

Conmix

Commingle

Interlard

Fashion Into a Thick, Uniform Paste

Engruel

Rend Asunder

Fragment

Thresh With Surpassing Rapidity

A LIST OF ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM THE DIRECTIONS AND MISSION STATEMENTS OF ORGANIC PRODUCTS BELONGING TO MY VEGAN ROOMMATE.
by Kate Brown

"For us, it's about a deep respect for the herbs we share with you."

"May each cup bring us in touch with our inner faith, and may its authentic flavors remind us of the wisdom of Ganesha."

"With this, every human being created on God's spaceship Earth can evolve united."

"Discontinue use if rash or irritation occurs."

"Made with 71% organic ingredients!"

"The present never ages. Each moment is like a snowflake."

"This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration."

The Most Memorable Comments Actually Overheard During My Medical Training,
Thus Far.
by Noah Raizman, Medical Student

"Turn your head and cough please. Again. A little harder this time."

"Don't you just want to throw rocks at the Christian Scientists and say, 'Come on, heal!'"

"This is going to be the most excruciating pain you've ever felt. You can cry if you want. Mommy, you want to help me hold him down?"

"He wouldn't have done it if he hadn't had his superego soaked in Budweiser."

"He kept on trying to bite the nurse while she was giving him the Ativan, so we had to hold the pillow over his head. He's a bit more relaxed now."

"This is the medical intensive care unit, also known as the Death Star."

"Well, hello, Mr. Uterus!"

ACTUAL ENTRIES FROM CAB CALLOWAY'S HEPSTER'S DICTIONARY, REVISED 1939 EDITION.
by Josh Weintraub

barbecue: the girlfriend, a beauty.

cups: sleep. Ex. "I gotta catch some cups."

dracula: something in a class by itself.

frisking the whiskers: what the cats do when they are warming up for a swing session.

got your boots on: you know what it is all about, you are a hep cat, you are wise.

got your glasses on: you are ritzie or snooty, you fail to recognize your friends, you are up-stage.

hard: fine, good. Ex. "That's a hard tie you're wearing."

igg: to ignore someone. Ex. "Don't igg me!"

jitter bug: a swing fan; formerly a person addicted to "jitter sauce" (liquor).

knock: to obtain. Ex. "I'm gonna knock me some food."

mess: something good. Ex. "That last drink was a mess."

neigho pops: nothing doing, pal.

trilly: to leave, depart. Ex. "Well, I guess I'll trilly."

unhip: not wise to the jive; an icky, a jeff, a square.

v-8: a chick who spurns company, is independent, is not amenable.

Technorati Tags: Lists, Humor