Advice for women: about men

I just got the idea to write this five minutes ago when I was in the shower thinking about a young friend of mine who is suffering because men treat her strangely and it breaks her heart.

I may not be the first person one would go to for advice about men. After all, I've been single a long time. But I was with my husband for almost two decades and have had my heart broken a few times myself - also I've been on hundreds of internet dates. Most of them were one-time-only because I had the theory, "anybody can be interesting one time," but in most cases one time was one too many.

I've met a lot of men who were heartbroken themselves and many have told me their stories. So here is my advice:

Most men, when dealing with women, are afraid. Their actions stem from fear. Or, let's say, they are riding the pendulum between fear and greed. The fear/greed continuum drives most things in this world - from the stock market to the way my chickens snatch moldy cheese out of my hand and then run away.

When a man says he wants a woman who is "low maintenance" or "no drama," he is displaying his fear. Fear that she will want too much from him - either financially or emotionally - more than he is able or willing to provide. Fear that life with her, or even a second date with her, will expose him to hidden landmines.

Just as we seasoned travelers have more and more road rage or airport rage - because we have experienced many more traffic jams and cancelled flights and lying airline employees - so seasoned daters (or, nebekh, sufferers of serial marriages) have more and more things they fear. If a man dated a redhead who threw things, now he is afraid of redheads.

I believe much of the horrid behavior men display - towards my young friend, for instance - is motivated by fear. Men are also afraid of being afraid and this can be reflected in nonsensical macho behavior.

That's my diagnosis. The answer would seem to be: to defuse the fear. To prove, in "baby steps" over time, that you are not somebody who will harm or terminally confuse them. Try not to be confusing, try not to be scary. Try to be peaceful and consistent. Baby steps.

Disclaimer: my ex-husband told me I was much better at being a sister than a wife. So anybody who has a better idea, please leave it in the comments.